I am the Frog Demon!
by Midori Ryuu
Summary: What happens when a hyper, rabid, sleep-deprived fangirl gets bored on a Saturday afternoon and has Harry Potter on the brain? Finished!
1. Round One - Mr. Panties

**I am the Frog Demon!  
**Is there gonna be a sequel?**  
***  


Disclaimer: I don't own any anime characters or any Harry Potter characters. Also, it's pointless to sue me, because I have very little money. Please don't post flames. This is what happens when I listening to the Lain opening too many times, and my favorite on-line radio station skips. Beware, love. Also, please don't yell at me if you're a Malfoy fan.  


*  


Harry Potter was very surprised to wake up in a very strange place. All he could see around him was mist; he couldn't even find a floor. He was even more surprised to hear an insane cackling coming from a place he couldn't see. A shadowy figure appeared several feet in front of him.  
"Harry Potter! Good to see you!" the figure said as it walked towards him; he could tell by the voice that it was female.  
"Who are you? Where am I?"  
"Must you really ask? Very well, then! You're on the soon-to-be set of a fanfic!"  
"No... It's you, isn't it?! Get away! You're evil!"  
"Why, Harry, I'm hurt! I thought you liked me!"  
"HA! You're the one who threatens me constantly with Harry Potter yaoi fanfiction!"  
The figure took another step towards him, and she is revealed to be a girl a year or two younger than him, with short, curly, brown hair, green eyes, and a very mad glint in her eyes.  
"Harry, Harry, Harry... You and I both know what's about to happen," she said, still advancing towards him, her chest shaking slightly with mirthless laughter.  
He began to back away. "No... Not that... Please! I beg you! Have Voldemort kill me off in a fanfic! Just not THAT! Please! Don't you have a soul?!"  
"Quiet, dear. Make yourself pretty! Your friends are coming over!"  
"Don't drag them into this, too! Please! Have mercy!"  
"Mercy is for the weak, dear," she whispered, and then she snapped.  
Ginny, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy, and Voldemort appeared out of nowhere.   
"Harry! What's going on? Where are we?" the young, red-haired girl yelled nervously.  
"My dear friends! We are here today to play a game!"  
"Kill the muggles?" the Dark Lord asked hopefully.  
"NO! We're going to play 'Do What I Say And You Might Survive.' "  
"H.. How do you play that?" the round-faced Gryffindor questioned uncertainly.  
The clearly insane writer turned to Neville and smiled warmly.  
"You don't need to know, dear! You don't have to play if you don't want to."  
"Hey! How come you're being so nice to Longbottom?" the spoiled Slytherin demanded.  
"Because I don't like you. Neville's sweet, you're not."  
"I think somebody likes ya, Neville!" the fifth year with red hair teased.  
"Now, do you want to know the rules or not, my dear little friends?" the writer asked, no longer smiling in the pleasant way.  
"Yes..." the bushy-haired Gryffindor girl said nervously.  
"Well, I choose a set, some characters, and a plot. You have to act it out. One person is eliminated per round, until we have a winner. Any questions?"  
"Yeah..." Ron began. "When you say 'eliminated,' you don't mean...?"  
"Nobody dies unless one of you kills them. Now, then, we should get started. Do you want to play, Neville, dear?"  
The writer's favorite Harry Potter character turned to his four friends, a pleading look on his face.  
"Don't play, Neville! You could get hurt!" Hermione advised.  
"But what about you guys?"  
"We'll be fine. I can't guarantee anything for those two, though," Harry assured him, pointing at Malfoy and Voldemort.  
"Ok... I guess I'll sit out. By the way, you never told us your name."  
"My name? How sweet of you to ask! Well, you'll probably name Voldemort more freely than me, after this, but I go by several names. You may call me Roxy, Neville, dear, but the others will call me by either Midori Ryuu, or... The Frog Demon!" she said the last name in a very dramatic voice, and thunder flashed in the nonexistent place they were visiting.  
Draco snickered as the Frog Demon sat on the ground like her namesake, a green blanket draped over her like a cloak.  
"Do not laugh at the Frog Demon!" she yelled, standing up and pointing at Malfoy.  
"Oh? Why not, little girl? I don't get why everybody's so afraid of you! You're just a squirt!"  
The 'little girl,' as he had called her, pulled out a wand, and pointed it at him. The insensitive Slytherin suddenly found himself as a fuzzy little bunny. She began to wave her wand about, and he flew, guided by it. She dropped her hand down, and he returned to normal, shaken, but otherwise all right.  
"I'd have made Malfoy the Amazing Bouncing Ferret return, but I like ferrets better than I like bunnies," she explained as she put her wand away.  
The group all backed away a bit, except for Voldemort, who was staring at her with large, sparkly eyed reverence.  
"Now, then! We shall get started! I pick the scene of a dank, grubby little bar, and no, it's not the Leaky Cauldron. Your roles are the following." She pulled out a list. "Malfoy, you are the constantly drunken cheap hooker. Voldemort, you are the perverted regular bar patron."  
She began to hand out costumes as she read off the roles. "Hermione, you're the harassed waitress. Ron, you're her boss and husband, the wise bartender. Ginny, you're Hermione's younger, innocent sister. Harry, you get to be the cool rogue. You can think of your own names for your character, or keep your own name."  
"I have to be a hooker?! A female one? Very well, my name will be... Demonelle!" Malfoy said, pointing up dramatically.  
"Am I playing Gene Starwind?" Voldemort asked uncertainly, looking at his costume.  
"No! now pick a name!"  
"I'm gonna be... Harry Potter when he's all grown up!" He-who-was-one-known-as-'He-who-must-not-be-named' announced, giggling.  
"Hey! I wanted to keep my name, you bastard!"  
"Too bad!"  
"I think I'll be... Rosy!" Hermione said, almost cheerfully.  
"I'll be... Clyde," Ron added, looking over at her. Then he blushed and looked away.  
"My name is gonna be Kiki!" Ginny piped up happily.  
Harry growled under his breath. "I'm going to take the name..."  
"If you can't decide, I'll pick for you, Harry!" the Frog Demon said, grinning in her usual manner. "You can be Mr. Panties, a man going on a search for a better name!"  
"Err...."  
"Then it's decided!" she announced cheerfully. She snapped, and the bar was in place. "To your stations! and be in costume!"  
Everyone rushed to their place, pulling on their costume as they ran.  
"Let's go get a good seat, Neville, dear," Roxy turned to him and smiled. She snapped again, and they were watching the others from comfortable chairs, with a bucket of popcorn to eat.  
The forced actors and actresses got to their places, and the show began...  
  
Mr. Panties walked into the place and sat down at the bar. Clyde stepped up to him.  
"What can I get for you?"  
"Just some beer," the rogue replied gruffly.  
Meanwhile, Demonelle was leaning against the table Harry Potter sat at, giving him a bird's eye view down her tight little shirt. Rosy walked by, and received a pat on the butt from the perverted man, who got a slap in the face in return.  
Kiki sat down on the stool next to Mr. Panties.   
"Hi!" she started cheerfully, looking up at him. "What's your name?"  
"... It's Mr. Panties."  
The bartender almost dropped the can of beer he was holding upon hearing this as he stifled his laughter. The unfortunate rogue glared at him, and he straighten up. without another noise, he gave the new patron his drink.  
"That's too bad. I like you. You're cool."  
"..."  
"Do you want to seduce me and break my heart?" she asked, still cheerful.  
Mr. Panties scooted his seat away from the teenage girl and gave her a strange look. Harry, who had had a few too many drinks, was laughing hysterically at him and not bothering to be quiet.  
"MR. PANTIES?! What, wazzz your mum drunk when she named ya?"  
The poorly named man hopped down off of his chair and turned to face the drunk. He unsheathed a sword that was previously hidden under his long cloak.  
Demonelle fell down, passed out from her many drinks.  
"Relaksh, maaan! I don't mean no harm!" Harry slurred.  
With one last glare, Mr. Panties put his sword away and sat back down in front of his beer.   
  
The insane fanfic writer's voice echoed through the set. "This scene is over! I've decided!"  
Ginny appeared next to Neville and Roxy, also sitting in a comfortable chair. She blinked, surprised, but then shrugged and ate a handful of popcorn.  
  


**To be continued! **  


  
  
  
  
  



	2. Round Two - Wake up and smell the crossd...

**I am the Frog Demon!  
**When will it all end?!  
*  


Disclaimer: I still don't own anything. Please, I'm begging you, review my fics! I spent hours on "I don't mean to hurt you." Now, review or I'll do something bad to your favorite character! I mean it! Or I'll write a Harry x Draco yaoi fanfic! Or, to the yaoi fans, I'll kill all the males off! Except you, Neville, dear. And Lupin-sensei is allowed to live, too!  


*  


Roxy snapped, and she, along with her two guests, were back on the ground, inside the set.  
"Time for the next round! The roles are as follows:" she began to read off of a list, handing out costumes. "Malfoy, you're a star ballerina, yes, still a female one. Harry, you're the male leading opposite Malfoy. Hermione, you're the jealous understudy. Ron, you're Malfoy's obsessed fan. Voldie, you're the director."  
"Frog Demon, why do you keep casting me as a woman?" the boy who played the female lead asked carefully.  
"Because it irks you so."  
"And why do you keep writing my POV's, filled with tortured angst?"  
"Because I like writing for you."  
Malfoy backed away, as if he were dealing with a complete psychopath, which we're not sure of. Their... supervisor cleared her throat.  
"Whoever wins this is going to star in a little omake. You'll try your best... _or else_."  
They all nodded fearfully.  
"Now," she continued. "Pick names."  
"Giselle!" exclaimed Malfoy, almost happily, as though he _enjoyed_ crossdressing.  
"Georgio," muttered Harry.  
"Carmen," Hermione said uncertainly.  
"Billy," Ron added, in the same tone of voice.  
"Mr. Piloshiit!" the Dark Lord announced, oblivious to the sniggering around him.  
"Well, then, get in your places!" she said, and then she snapped her fingers.  
All the actors were in their places, and Roxy was sitting with her guests in front of a mirror that showed what went on elsewhere...  
  
"Oh, Georgio, isn't this wrong?" Giselle breathed as she sat down on the bed.  
"Yes, but we're in love. Nobody will stand in our way!" Gergio said boldly.  
Unbeknownst to them, Carmen was watching them from the window, a bitter look on her face. Seconds later, she burst open the door, closely followed by Billy.  
"Can I have your autograph, darling?" he exclaimed, glomping Giselle.  
"EEEEEK! Get off of me!"  
"Georgio, I called Mr. Piloshiit and he's on his way here!" the understudy exclaimed.   
"You WHAT?!" the two stars exclaimed, followed by "Bitch!" from the female one.  
Billy was nuzzling Giselle's chest. She pulled out a giant hammer and hit him on the head repeatedly with it, yelling "PERVERT!" the entire time.  
The director ran in the open door, screamed like a little girl, and then fainted. Carmen ran to his side and dumped a glass of water on his face.  
"What the hell are you doing to my star?!" he screamed at Billy, who was bleeding from several places.  
"I ish grettig Ootogarph!" he said happily through a heavy nosebleed.  
"OUT! OUT! ALL OF YOU!" the stars screamed together.  
Their uninvited guests whimpered and left. Giselle and Georgio then made... ahem... hot monkey love.  
  
Roxy appeared, clapping. "Time for me to eliminate one of you!"  
Malfoy and Harry both looked to be extremely ill, and Hermione was giving Ron a tissue for his nose. Voldemort was dancing around happily, singing.  
"I love you! You love me!"  
The writer took off her shoe and calmly threw it at him.  
"Shut up or I'll write a lemon between you and Snape."  
"Eep."  
"Now, then, Ron, you're out."  
He began to dance around a little bit, dripping bloody snot here and there.  
"Hermione, can you get a bucket for him, please?"  


  
**Even more is waiting!**  
  



	3. Round Three - Lime-fresh yaoi!

**I am the Frog Demon!  
**Never let her near a D/H(a) fanfic again.  
*  


Disclaimer / Author's Note: Wai! We've moved to Arizona! I saw two rainbows today! And I read a really good D/H (Draco and Harry, not Draco and Hermione. I don't see the latter two as a couple, although some lovely fics have been written for them.) fanfic! Wai! ^^ So you know, my favorite pairings, from best down, are R/H (Ron and Hermione), D/H (Draco and Harry), and R/H (Ron and Harry). I like shonen ai a lot, ne? Thurday/September, you are so talented! ^^ I'm a bit hyper tonight! ^^; And, I don't own any of these characters, except me. I made up the little song all on my own. Like it? And please don't sue!  


*  


Roxy was once again on the set she had filled with chaos. She was hopping around, grinning, and wearing a Playboy bunny suit.   
Also, she was singing: "Oh, there once was a guy named Harry Potter! I paired him with Draco Malfoy and they had a daughter! Her name was Chrysanthemum, but who did she come from? Playing video games were her and her daddies. Drackie-poo was killed by the baddies!   
"One fine day, Chrys asked them how babies were made, while playing Chrono Cross. The two looked at each other, surprised, but they were at a loss! So Harry-chan gave her a special book, and Drackie-poo gave him the look! They had a big fight, but they made up in bed that night!"  
Harry and Draco looked at each other with wide, scared eyes. Voldemort was snickering in the background, and Hermione was giggling. Ron, however, was trying to hide from the Frog Demon, afraid that she would sing a song about her third favorite couple: Him and Harry.  
Midori Ryuu stopped singing, clapped her hands together, and spoke cheerfully: "Time for me to think of a plot! Wai!"  
"Hmmm.... I'm in the mood for comedic shonen ai," she said, looking around thoughtfully. "Voldie-chan, who do you like better, Harry or Draco?"  
Both boys once more adopted a look of utter terror and revulsion on their faces.  
"Hmm.... Well, you could always write me having an obsession with Potter, but then again, you could make Lucius promise me his son." The Dark Lord was smiling in a predatory way, much like the aggressive men in yaoi manga.  
At those words, as well as the grin, the two began to hyperventilate. Harry pulled a couple of branches out of nowhere, and pretended to be a tree, a la Miaka Yuuki. Draco hid behind Ron, at which the insane writer raised an eyebrow and smiled.   
"You know, you two are awfully cute together...." she hinted, making Draco scamper out from behind his shield.  
She began to look thoughtful, which made all of the boys even more nervous. Neville was beginning to be happy that she liked him too much to pair him up with anyone, especially a guy.  
"Malfie-chan, you get to play a guy. Unless you wish to be part of a yuri story?"  
"Not entirely sure if he was to be frightened more or relieved, he spoke, softly and trembling: "I... I'll be a guy."  
"Wai! Then I can make this even more fun!"  
All of the remaining male cast was beginning to back away.  
"It's a love triangle! Harry loves Drackie-poo, Drackie-poo loves Voldie-chan, and Voldie-chan loves Harry! And it all ends in some sort of citric flavor! Orange, lime, or lemon! I want a bit of the first two, or else, dearies!"  
"W... What about me?" Hermione asked nervously.  
"Hmm... We need a more definite plot, don't we? Well, You're Harry's Mommy, and you catch him sneaking off to meet his little crushy-wushy, so you follow him. This will probably end in a threesome, you are warned!" she said, winking at the last part, which made the two younger boys of her little triangle gulp with fear. "Time to pick names!"  
"Mrs. Hendersonschmeiter," muttered Hermione.  
"Tommy Hendersonschmeiter," Harry said meekly.  
"Larry Whatshisname," squeaked Malfoy, in an unnaturally high voice.  
"The Masked Mister Yaoi Lover Man! Also known as TMMYLM for short. But they can call me Bob if they want, during sex!" Voldemort said, ever-cheerful, which scared them even more than when he was being Evil instead of Evil/Genki/Perverted.  
"Time to start!" the female yaoi fan of the odd group said, also cheerful.   
She clapped her hands, and at the sound, she and her guests were in the Mystical Mirror Place, while all of the actors were on their set, which was a little suburb-type house surrounded by skyscrapers and scummy-looking places.  
"Good night, Tommy!" Mrs. Hendersonschmeiter called to her son.   
"Good night, Mom!" he replied happily, settling under his blankets.  
As soon as her heard her footsteps reach the bottom floor of their house, Tommy hopped out of bed. He pulled off his pajamas, which were pink and baby blue flannel with bunnies on them. He then squeezed into a tight pair of jeans and a shirt that was reminiscent of Fabio. He pulled on a pair of shoes, and climbed down the drainpipe, just outside his window. Away from the little garden he sprinted, towards a grubby-looking bar.  
Unknown to him, his Mother had heard him, and looked out the window. She spotted him, and, suspicious, snuck out after him moments later. She, being resourceful, disguised herself as a businessman using some of the things her secret lover had left behind in the rush to not be discovered by her husband. She followed him into the bar, and was shocked to find out what her darling little boy was into.  
Men were dressed in leather, some of them S&M outfits like the ones she wore when with her lover. There were many doors, and sounds coming from them. A doorknob turned on one of them, and two men, both looking satisfied, walked out, one with a shirt on backwards. She spotted her boy walking over a man wearing a costume straight from an old comic book, and another one, which was dressed comparatively normal, in regular street clothes.  
The two waved to Tommy, and he waved back. She moved a bit closer to them, as they started talking.  
"Hi, Masked Mister Yaoi Lover Man," he said to the costumed man, who she noticed was older than him.  
"Please, dear, call me Bob," he replied.  
"Not until you take off the mask! And the pants, for that matter," the boy dressed normally exclaimed teasingly, pinching the older man's butt.  
"Enough joking, Larry," said Bob. "Shall we?"  
The man nodded to her supposedly innocent son, and gestured towards a door.  
"Only if Larry joins in!"  
"Gladly!" Larry replied.  
The two stood up, and they all joined hands. Together, they skipped into a room and shut the door. Shuddering at the voices coming from the room, the woman thought of what kind of things were happening to her son. She gathered up her nerves, and marched towards the door.  
She kicked the door, and, with a loud thud, it landed. Her eyes widened upon seeing the... sandwich of naked men, and a bit of blood trickled from her nose, but she stayed conscious.  
She stopped staring and stomped over to her son, and grabbed a hold of his ear. Thinking it was another man wanting to join in, her son began to reach for the zipper to her pants, but she didn't notice, or seem to care.  
"Why couldn't you fall for a nice young man like Max Robinson?!" she shrieked.  
Apparently recognizing her voice, her son stopped fumbling with the zipper. And so, the night ended with Mrs. Hendersonschmeiter dragging her son by the ear, still naked, back to the house, screaming angrily the whole way.  
  
Roxy was suddenly back on the ground, with the actors.   
"Wonderful! And Drackie-poo, you look a bit cold," she added, handing him a blanket.  
He blushed, and wrapped up in it.  
"It's a hard discussion, but you're off, Voldie-chan."  
"Aww...." He-Who-Used-To-Be-Unspeakable groaned.  
The author snapped, and she was back in the Mystical Mirror Place, with her newest guest, who seemed to make the others very nervous.  
  


**What insanity comes next? Stay tuned!**  


  



	4. Halfway Omake - I still think this game ...

**I am the Frog Demon!  
**Halfway Omake!  
Neville: This doesn't count to the story line! At least, I don't think It does...  
Draco: WHAT story line, Longbottom? The muggle's just making this up.  
Roxy: ::holding a wand:: Who said anything about being a muggle? ::grins, showing a fang::  
*  


Disclaimer: I don't own anything except myself. ::hugs Neville, who blushes, then squirms, wanting away from the weirdo:: Oh, and sorry about the shameless ad, but she said she'd draw Neville for me, so I decided to be really nice. And her artwork really is fantastic! Now go visit her before I bop ya! Oh, by the way, i can't remember which one of the Chasers Katie is. I chose one at random. ^^; Tell me, do you like my odd little brand of serious comedy? By the way, I made up a fake last name for myself, because I don't want to be stalked by people who dislike my work. Now review, damnit!  


*  


Roxy appeared in the smoky room that was constantly holding the sets to her twisted little stories. She snapped, and the entire cast of Harry Potter, whether they were previously in her fanfic or not, appeared behind her.  
A constantly-mentioned-but-never-named-and-always-in-the-same-year Slytherin fifth year looked around, confused, but stayed in character by saying nothing. The psychopathic little girl that had brought them all there clapped her hands together, getting everyone's attention  
"We're going to have a wee little party, we are!" she said cheerfully.  
Severus Snape, who had been eating nothing but pure sugar for the past twenty-four hours, on the dare of a drunken Argus Filch, spoke: "Can we play Spin the Bottle?"  
"Of course we will! What kind of part did you think I was hosting?" the writer said cheerfully. "We're going to play _lots_ of games." She began to grin in her usual, evil way.  
"W... What kind of games?" Draco Malfoy asked, having finally learned proper fear of the girl.  
"Fun games, but not like the game we usually play. 'Truth or Dare,' 'Spin the Bottle,' 'Honey, Do You Love Me,' and the like, my lovelies."  
Neville gulped, wondering if the author had Magical Author Powers, as he and the others had seen in other insane people.  
"Time to start! We're playing 'Spin the Bottle' first, because Snape is dancing excitedly for it!" she said, and, as they looked to the Potions Master, they saw it was true.  
"Neville, dear, you can go first, if you want!" she said happily, pushing everyone into a rough circle.  
"Umm... OK..." he replied uncertainly, looking for the bottle.  
"Oh, yeah!" Roxy said, obviously remembering it. She snapped, and there was a green bottle in the middle.  
The round-faced Gryffindor nervously placed his hand on the empty beer bottle and spun it. As it went faster, it became a blurry green circle, and the slowed until it reached a stop. And, to his great horror, it was pointing at the insane author of the fanfic you are now reading.  
He highly suspected that she did indeed have MAPs, and, as though she could read his mind, which he also suspected, she looked away and whistled. Longbottom heaved a sigh, and turned to her, as she had kicked Pansy Parkinson to get the seat next to him. She looked back towards him, her lips pursed and her eyes closed.  
He thought briefly about paying Voldemort to kiss her instead, as he seemed taken with the equally evil girl, but 'strange forces' made him close his eyes, lean into her, and kiss her. He felt hands on his arms, and noticed he was being pulled forward, so he opened his eyes. Roxy was dragging him to the open door of a closet that had appeared in the misty place.  
He hastily scrambled away from her, whimpering slightly, and sat back down, eyeing her warily. She adopted a disgruntled yet tenacious look, and sat down next to him. She placed one hand on the bottle and spun it, obviously not bothering to use her powers, as the bottle was pointing at none other than Malfoy.  
Her eyes became wide, and she shuddered, looking angry with herself. The Former Amazing Bouncing Ferret seemed terrified of this turn of events, but didn't move. The Frog Demon bitterly crawled over to him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. Then, she quickly went back to her seat, looking disgusted.  
Draco spun the bottle with one pale hand, and it went around for thirty seconds before landing on Harry. Both boys looked to the writer, who was, once again, whistling. As one, they sighed, and the Slytherin walked over to the Gryffindor, who, if possible, was looking even more displeased than himself.   
Hoping she'd let them get it over with quickly, Draco kissed Harry on the lips. Surprised at _where_ he kissed him, he then realized it was Roxy's fault. Suffering himself to be guided by her, he enjoyed it. And, apparently, so did Harry, because he was trying to pull him over to that same closet without breaking the kiss.  
Hermione, however, was not being controlled, and felt sorry for poor, innocent Potter. She pulled out her wand, pointed it at the writer, who was still in the Playboy bunny suit, and uttered a spell.  
_ "Pinchitibutt!"_  
The psycho squeaked, her concentration breaking, and winked at Neville, unaware of the bushy-haired girl's part in it. The round-faced Gryffindor squeaked in a less-than-happy way when the girl who was very much unlike Ginny hugged him and tried to kiss him.  
Harry and Draco straightened their robes and sat back down in the circle, both trying to maintain what dignity was left in them. The boy who lived put a hand on the bottle that matched his eyes and sent it spinning. It landed on Ron's only sister, who turned bright red and looked at the floor as she slipped Roxy a wad of money behind her back, which she had spent the entire summer earning.  
Harry walked over to her, and tried to look charming, faintly hoping that the author would stop trying to make him gay. He lifted her chin gently, without mooshing her cheeks (Inside joke!), and kissed her in the most romantic way he could on the lips.  
Roxy, who didn't seem to be particularly fond of them as a couple, forced him to go back to his seat. Ginny delicately spun the bottle, and it landed on the least-expected person, to anyone but Roxy - Voldemort! The man formerly known as Tom Riddle, who the author found some gorgeous fanart of, by Ann the Neko at http://www.ann-neko-com , popped a breathmint in his mouth and puckered up. The young, red-haired girl shuddered, but nerved herself and walked over to him. She gave him tiny kiss on the forehead and scrambled quickly back to her seat, looking as though she were about to puke all over her brother Fred, who she was sitting next to.  
He-Who-Used-To-Be-Unspeakable-Before-The-Author-Became-This-Insane-And-Stupid made the bottle spin, and it landed on the fat little rat man. Peter looked around for some sort of escape, but he saw none, so he tried to turn into Scabbers. It would've worked, except that Roxy hated him and made him stay human. His Master stepped into him, kissed him deeply, not from any actual passion for the fat, personality-lacking coward, but because it hurt him so much.   
Wormtail put one chubby hand on the bottle and sent it spinning. To the great disgust of the attractive one of the two, it landed on Sirius.   
"Just get it over with," Midori Ryuu said warmly to him. "I promise you'll get some good luck later!"  
Black shuddered and let the squat rat man kiss him, which the latter seemed afraid to do. After Ratboy waddled back over to his seat, 'Snuffles' spun the bottle, and it landed on... Lupin! The former Defense Against The Dark Arts Professor blushed, as the author decided on a whim to make him uke, and looked up at the man who was about to kiss him.  
The former Azkaban prisoner walked over to him and gave him a very deep kiss. Roxy was squealing in a very happy way, as she adored them as a couple. Minutes later, after they had ended the kiss, only for the need or air, Sirius tugged on Remus's sleeve and pointed at the empty closet.  
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait until Lupin-sensei's turn is done, Sirius, dear," said the yaoi fanatic.  
"Aww..." the two said at once.  
Sirius moved to sit next to his newfound love and waited impatiently, ready to glare at whoever fate chose. And, as fate would have it, George Weasley was chosen. His former teacher gave him a paternal sort of kiss on the forehead, and then walked into the closet with the other animagi. The Weasley twin spun the bottle, and it landed on who else but the other twin!  
"Do I have to?" George asked Roxy, giving her large, pleading eyes.  
"Well, as I'm not particularly fond of incest," she began. "You can just pretend he's Ginny and give him a brotherly kiss on the forehead."  
"At least it's better than on the lips," said Fred, trying his hardest to be optimistic.  
So one twin kissed the other in a very non-yaoi way, and the one that had been kissed spun the bottle. As the author got along fairly well with both of the twins, it landed on Katie Bell. Fred happily walked over to her and kissed her.   
Katie, however, did not seem quite as happy. She spun the bottle, and it landed on Hagrid, because the author is a complete nutcase who likes to make up stupid plotholes. Hagrid, who had been drinking 'a bit' as an escape from the idiotic torture of playing Spin the Bottle with students and a psychopathic writer without any talent. He was quite red in the face, for more than one reason, when the chaser walked over to him.  
She, with a bit of difficulty, pulled his beard away from his lips and kissed him. As they were ending it, Roxy handed her a note.   
As the note apparently instructed, she read it aloud, without any real emotion in it. "I am in love with Hagrid. Once I am eighteen, we will go get married. Then we will have many children. After you say that, Katie, drag Hagrid off into another empty closet. Somebody who has much control over your fate, Roxy."  
Roxy glared at the Gryffindor, who didn't seem to respond well to alcohol, and had fallen into the Care of Magical Creature's lap, singing various parts of a French drinking song, which she clearly didn't know all the words to, and Fleur Delacour seemed slightly offended.  
"J'adore mon homme..."  
_ "_Baka..." the author muttered under her breath.  
Then, barely managing to do as she was told, Katie led the equally drunken Rubeus into an empty closet that, like the first, had appeared out of nowhere.  
"Hagrid is a bit busy now!" exclaimed the author, clapping her hands together as she constantly did. "So I'm giving his turn to..." She though for a while. "Snape!"  
"Goodie! Goodie! Goodie!" the greasy-haired Professor squealed as he finished another bag of sugar.  
He sent the green bottle spinning, and it went fast, for a long time, until it stopped on... Gilderoy Lockhart! Both of the grown men giggled as Snape pranced over to him. The former Professor stood up, and the current one kissed him. They ended it quickly, and began to dance about the room, singing "Love Song" from Luna Sea. Magical Dancing Sock Puppets appeared out of nowhere and began to sing background.  
After they finished singing and dancing, the sock puppets all began to bite Peter, who rolled around on the floor, screaming and bleeding everywhere. Voldemort began to laugh, and Roxy joined in. Everyone else backed away, except for Snape and Lockhart.  
"My turn!" squealed Lockhart as he spun the damned bottle.  
It landed on one of the bloodthirsty sock puppets attacking Wormtail. It let go of him, and somehow hopped over to the vain former Professor that many people wondered about the sexual orientation of. Then, it clamped onto his face and began to suck blood. So, not being entirely stupid, he ran around, screaming and bleeding as well.  
"I think we should start a new game now!" the author said happily after she stopped laughing.  
"Wh... which one?" stammered Neville.  
"Truth or Dare!" she replied, still cheerful.  
Everybody gulped, with an exception of Roxy, Voldemort, Peter, Gilderoy, Severus, and everybody in the closets.  
"Neville, darling, you can go first!" she said in her sweetest voice, which scared the boy she was talking to very much.  
"Umm... OK...." He looked around, when a sudden expression of idea came onto his face. "Roxy, truth or dare?"  
"Dare!" she said, smiling at him as she always seemed to do.  
Neville's eyes glinted in a most un-Neville-like way, and he spoke: "I dare you to be a sweet, kind, caring, demure girl for the rest of this omake!"  
Everyone who knew him stared at him in disbelief. He had come up with a genius idea that they all benefited from.  
"And if I don't? What is the consequence?"  
The round-faced yet cute boy paused in thought. Then, his eyes glinted again. "You have to write a lemon containing yourself and Draco!"  
Everyone who was not... otherwise occupied, with the exception of Roxy, Voldemort, Neville, Snape, and Lockhart, began to applaud.  
The author, however, was no longer smiling. "You want a lemon? I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR DAMN LEMON!"  
Nevi-chan-darling-lovie-wuvvey-poo was beginning to regret his decision very much. But it was too late; she had already taken out a laptop:  
  
Roxanne silently crept through the Gryffindor portrait hole, ignoring the snorts of the Fat Lady. She checked her watch: It was one in the morning on a Tuesday in December. She tiptoed down the staircase, and let her thoughts wander to her sorting:  
"I don't really know which house to put you in," the Hat had told her.  
"Why?"  
"You could be in Slytherin, as you have a dark side, although it's mostly in humor. You're loyal enough for Hufflepuff, but you don't act like it a lot of the time. You're clever enough for Ravenclaw, but you've wasted your wits. You're brave like Gryffindor, but on the wrong side."  
"What a shitty rendition of 'Ironic'. Now sort me, you limey bastard," she had thought back idly.  
"Maybe you'll shape up if I put you in GRYFFINDOR!"  
She shook her head, trying to forget the meager applause her arrival to that house had earned her. Her mind drifted once more, but to a much more recent memory; the Halloween Feast:  
As October came, the girls of Hogwarts had decided to make the Halloween Feast an even bigger social event than it already was. They had made a little game out of asking boys to sit next to them as they shoved their faces with food prepared by the house-elves. As the feast came, she had found herself without a date. Although boys found her mildly attractive, her sarcasm and cynical attitude made them avoid her like the plague.  
_Men are pigs_, thought the miserable young Gryffindor as she stabbed her pork chop with her fork, pretending it was the face of one of the many boys she had been rejected by, Harry Potter.  
"I'm really sorry. It's just that I've got Ginny to my left, Parvati to my right, and Hermione's sitting across from me with Ron," he had said, obviously, at least in her mind, eager to make excuses.  
Bitterly, she watched the two girls giggle over him. She was the same age as Ginny, but loathed her. Always so happy, so content, never noticing those who dwelled in darkness. _Just like all the other brats.  
_Shaking in the slightest way, she had dropped the meat juice-covered fork onto her napkin, which she slammed silently onto her plate, and went out into the courtyard, unnoticed. The young girl sat down on the edge of a fountain and stared at the water, hoping that her face looked emotionless. Only when she blinked was it that she noticed another shadowed figure, sitting on the opposite side of the fountain, behind the curtain of falling water.   
"Who are you?" she whispered.  
"What's it to you?" came a drawling voice, after its owner got over the small shock of her.  
"I just want to know who I'm talking to, Draco," she remembered replying, in a similar tone.  
She could remember hearing the other kids her age talking about him during class, whenever her seclusion from the conversation became too depressing. She remembered that day in her first year, in which the 'cupid' had sung Ginny's Valentine to Harry. It was one of the happier moments of her life, seeing them both humiliated, when she looked back on it.   
"Who are you?" Draco asked her.  
"What are you, a parrot?" she said, the usual bitterness to her voice. "It's Roxanne Luna, from Gryffindor."  
"Oh. A Gryffindor." He sounded kind of disappointed.  
"Why are _you_ out here?"  
"Why are you?" he repeated.  
"I was right. You are a trained bird," she teased, wanting to engage him in conversation for a reason she couldn't understand.  
"Shut up!" he hissed. "My reasons are none of your business!"  
"C'mon! Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine!" she offered, hoping to arouse his curiosity.  
"It's that stupid Potter. He's so annoying, sitting there with girls fawning over him. It's just because he's famous! He didn't even do anything!" he said, trying to hide how relieved he was to be able to vent.  
"Stupid bastard. Always making up excuses not to be near me..." she added to their discussion.  
"Who _would_ want to be near you? You've got a terrible personality, and you're not quite pretty enough to make up for that!"  
"You're one to talk, Malfoy! Not to mention how shallow you are!" Then, she realized another part of what he had said. _Not quite._ _But that must mean he thinks I'm almost there. Stupid, shallow pig!  
_"Hey! I happen to have lots of friends, you little bitch!" he retorted.  
"How much do you pay them? Or do you threaten them with your Daddy?" Roxanne sneered right back at him.  
Draco was only able to make a few angry sounds at that point. Typical to himself, he was desperate to best her, so he stood up and walked over to face her. Surprised, she just stared at him a moment. And then he did the unthinkable.  
He closed his eyes, leaned into the girl, and kissed her. She fell into the cool water that would have been icy without Flitwick's warming charm, her eyes wide open in shock.  
"You bastard," she growled as she tried to stand up.  
She would've been able to dry up much sooner, were it not for the boy who had kissed her so mockingly: He pushed her right back in.  
"Poor thing, all soaking wet!" he exclaimed in mock caring, pointing at her.  
"Sorry, Draco, but your goons aren't here to laugh at your jokes now," she said coldly.  
She grabbed onto his robes and pulled as hard as she could manage. It was more by surprise than strength that she pulled him in alongside her. The splash was tremendous, and once it was gone, Miss Luna found herself laughing at the sight of a very angry Draco Malfoy sitting waist-deep in water, his hair and clothes matted to him. Both teenagers were shivering slightly from the cold air against their skin, but they didn't seem to notice it.  
To add insult to injury, the brown-haired girl splashed the white-haired boy. He adopted a grin that wasn't totally malicious, and splashed water back onto her. And so it went on for a few more minutes, until they were both soaked to the bone and shivering a lot more.  
Malfoy splashed Luna the same second as she sneezed, not intending for all that dirty water to go in her mouth. She looked disgusted for a moment, leaned over the edge, and spit it out on the ground.  
"What a lady," he said, his voice dripping in sarcasm.  
"Sh.. Shut up!" she snapped through the chattering of her teeth.  
Draco scrambled over to side of the fountain, stood up, and held his hand out to her.   
"Come on. We'll both catch pneumonia," he commented, acting most unlike himself, especially for when he was around a Gryffindor.  
She stared another moment in disbelief, then took his hand cautiously, as though expecting to be thrown back in. To her great surprise, he was trying to pull her back out. Knowing that he wasn't all too strong, she stood up the rest of the way on her own and let him steady her as she stepped over the stone brim.  
"We should get to Madam Pomfrey's. I brought my cloak; it shouldn't be too wet."  
He seemed to be genuinely concerned. _Or he's afraid he'll be blamed if I die,_ she added to herself angrily.  
She coughed slightly as she suffered herself to be led over to the other side of the fountain. He picked up his long, black cloak and stepped closet to her. She could feel her cheeks warming a bit, and knew she was blushing.  
_Men are chauvinist pigs with no respect!_ she reminded herself angrily, forcing the pink from her face.  
Relieved that he didn't notice her bitter look, he drew the cloak over the two of them. She was still shaking as she felt the small warmth of the cloth against her wet skin, but it was for a different reason.  
Once again, she shook her head, snapping out of her reverie. After that point, things had become contentedly boring to her. Whenever they would pass in the hall, whenever they were both in the Great Hall, any time they had together, they would throw insults at each other. But both knew that they didn't mean it.   
Every insult he threw at her was accompanied by a small wink. It reassured her to see his eye flutter closed whenever he said something nasty, especially with the worse things.  
"Looney, you're getting a bit chubby!" she could remember him remarking at lunch one day while she quietly ate her salad.  
He then caught her eye and winked. It felt like some sort of great compliment, but only to her. She loved it when he called her 'Looney,' but she loathed herself for feeling that way.  
She thought briefly about the smile she would always give him when she insulted him. Her sly little smile, that he always seemed so pleased to see.  
She could vaguely remember saying "Malf, you look more like a ferret every time I see you!" in a mocking voice, but all the while smiling at him.  
She sighed, and shivered, drawing her robes around her. Without entirely realizing it, she was almost to the Slytherin's portrait, in the dank, chilly dungeons. She dared to let her thoughts wander once more, to early, that very morning.  
She had barely managed to slip him a note while passing by him during breakfast, under the guise of exchanging the usual mealtime insults.  
"Tubby."  
"Ferret Boy."  
She could remember basically what the note said:  
"Malf-  
You can expect me at one-thirty. I have to talk to you about something.  


-Looney"  


She looked once more at her watch, only to find she had another ten minutes before he was expecting her. So, she let her mind go elsewhere.   
Ever since she and Malfoy had started 'insulting' each other, the Gryffindors had come to like her a bit more. Even though she knew it was only because she insulted Draco at least five times a day, it made her feel like thanking him. She smiled inwardly, and gave in to a small daydream.  
"Looney!" a whisper came in the middle of her imagined dancing, snapping her out of it. "What's up, Looney?"  
She flashed her secret friend a little smile, and leaned in close to him.  
"Come on. I need to talk to you someplace nobody can find us," she whispered.  
He tilted his silvery-haired head, shrugged, and climbed out of the portrait hole, closing it after he was on both feet. Checking to make sure the coast was clear, she grabbed his hand and led the confused boy through several hallways, until they were in a deserted classroom.  
"Now can you tell me?" he asked, sounding a tiny bit impatient with her.  
She shushed him as she began to think of just how to phrase what she was about to say.   
"I..." she began unsurely.   
She closed her eyes in a mixture of self-loathing, anger, and nerves. Then, she gathered up the courage the Sorting Hat had told her she had, closed her eyes, and stepped in close to him. Draco seemed quite surprised at her behavior, and was turning a slight pink color. Feeling that she would probably hate herself for it, she kissed him.  
_There. I've ruined the relationship between my only real friend and me. Are you happy, you god damned emotions?! _she thought angrily, her eyes still seeming to refuse to open.  
Even though she didn't want to see the look of a ruined friendship, she forced herself to open an eye as she drew back from him. She opened both her eyes all the way in shock; he was smiling.  
"I guess we're even," he said, a rather foolish grin on his face.   
Then, Roxanne felt Déjà vu. He kissed her again, stepped back as well, and continued to smile.  
"But now we're not! You owe me another kiss!"  
  
The author was standing triumphantly over her laptop, laughing.   
"Umm... Roxy, that wasn't a lemon. It wasn't even lime. That was orange," said Neville.  
"So you've read enough to know the difference?" Voldemort teased, making the round-faced boy quiet.  
_ "_Oh, yeah..." she said, sitting down.  
She saved her hard work to a file, and typed something else:  
  
Draco Malfoy and I made hot monkey love on Snape's desk during Potions. The end.  
  
"That doesn't count!" Draco said angrily.  
"Oh," she inquired, raising an eyebrow. "So you _really_ want me to write a lemon between us?"  
"No! No! I just think you should have to do the dare!"  
"FINE! I'll show you demure! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!" she began to laugh madly once more, then quickly shut up and tried her damndest to look shy.  
"Draco, truth or dare?" she breathed.  
"I'm no wuss! Dare!" he said, looking smug.  
Suppressing her usual evil glint, she spoke: I dare you to serenade Hary to 'Watashi no Tamagoyaki' from Dragon Half."  
"Huh?" came several confused voices.  
"It means 'My Omelette.' You can sing it in English, I suppose..."  
She handed him a piece of paper and a costume. Then, she snapped, and he was dressed as Mink. The big pink hair, the skimpy little warrior outfit; it even had a tail, horns, and fold-out wings! Sped-up classical music began to play, coming from someplace unseen, and Mink Malfoy was holding a microphone.  
He began to sing:  
"Pappara funi-funi pappara hoe-hoe,   
Pappara funi-funi eggs."  
Obviously not of his own will, he began to dance.  
"Pappara funi-funi pappara hoe-hoe,  
I grilled them and they burned.  
Pappara funi-funi pappara hoe-hoe,  
Pappara funi-funi potatoes.  
Pappara funi-funi pappara hoe-hoe,  
I boiled them and they melted."  
He had begun to dance closely to Harry, who was stuck to the spot, however hard he tried to run.   
"You are so very, very cool,  
Ah, ah, I'm completely crazy about you.  
I'm enchanted, I'm sticky-"  
Snickering broke out all over.  
"My heart is pounding.  
I'll show it to you, just a little bit."  
The sniggers turned into howling laughter.  
"Since the weather is fine, I want to go somewhere.  
Oh, oh, please listen.  
Mm-hmm, I'll give you my special grand lunch.  
Somewhere, rararan.  
Ran rararan.  
Ya yayanan.  
Ya yayanan."  
Malfoy was dancing in circles around Potter, both of whom were was red as the former's wig.  
"East west south north east south west north.  
Ran rararan.  
Ran rararan.  
Ya yayanan.  
Ya yayanan.  
One two three four ii al san su. An."  
A few people, including Ron and Hermione, were rolling around in laughter. The forced crossdresser has looking extremely angry.  
"Not the tomato,  
It's mine!  
I'll give you my octopus;  
I hate the way it looks."  
Fred and George had taken to wolfwhistling mockingly between bouts of hysterical laughter.   
"Pappara funi-funi pappara hoe-hoe,  
Pappara funi-funi eggs.  
Pappara funi-funi pappara hoe-hoe,  
If I don't boil them, they are still raw eggs.  
Pappara funi-funi pappara hoe-hoe,  
Pappara funi-funi beer.  
Pappara funi-funi pappara hoe-hoe,  
If I don't boil it, it's still a draft beer."  
"Malfoy wants to be a beer wench!" giggled Hermione.  
"Somehow, they seem a little interested.  
Ah, ah, your eyes."  
"Green as fresh pickled toad!" one of the twins shouted, much to Ginny's embarassment.  
"I'm enchanted, I'm calm, the mood is perfect, too;  
Shall I cuddle up to you?"  
Malfoy did just what he asked to do, making even Ginny and the Sock Puppets (Sounds like a band, ne?) laugh.  
"I'm a naive girl who doesn't know a thing,"  
"Malfoy's a transsexual!" somebody added.  
"Oh, oh... don't make me say it!  
Mm hmm, the best wooing words,  
As I expected from you-"  
Peoples' laughter was now directed at Harry as well.  
"Rararan.  
Yan yayanan.  
Yan yayanan."  
Tears of mirth were coming from Neville's eyes.  
"Thank you... I'm sorry.  
Ran rararan.  
Ran rararan.  
Yan yayanan.  
Yan yayanan.  
Raochuu cheers.  
Graduation, hooray.  
Writhing in agony,  
Seven wins, eight losses.  
Survival of the fittest,  
Yakiniku set meal."  
People were hysterical.  
"No, not the eggs!  
They're mine!  
Oh, eggs! Eggs!"  
"Yan, tamago! Tamago!" Roxy said as he bowed, trying to giggle in a demure way.  
She forced herself to do the nice thing and snapped, leaving the new star in his regular clothes as the music ended.  
"I guess we don't have any more time to play games," she said.  
Several people who hadn't been tortured gave disappointed groans.  
She snapped once more, and only the cast of the regular game were left.  
  


**This is not the end!**  


  
  
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	5. Round Four - The Orange Yaoi is barely f...

**I am the Frog Demon!  
**Let's all go live in an indoor treehouse!  
*  


Disclaimer: I own nothing except myself. The plot (What plot?) for this fic is my idea and I'll be rather upset if you use it without asking me. Please, don't sue me. I've been listening to Nippon Crush Radio for a very long time, and the pretty songs are affecting my head. The indoor treehouse thing is an inside joke, and you are not expected to understand it. Now, then, shall we start the fun? Oh, yeah. Draco is constantly wearing leather in fics because... he looks good in it! And Ann, if you're reading this, pleeeeeease hurry up with the picture of Nevi-chan!  


*  


Roxy appeared right behind Harry, with Neville, who she was hugging and trying to get to kiss her.  
"Come one, Nevi-chan! You know you want to! It's just one kiss! I won't bite!" she coaxed.  
"No! I don't trust you!" he refused.  
"_Nevi-chan?!_" said Draco, almost doubling up with laughter.  
"Shut up, Drackie-poo," the two Gryffindors in the game and the author said at once.  
The author managed to slip her arm around the round-faced boy's waist to keep him from running and turned to face the cast, her bunny ears flopping.  
"I've already written the ending omake, but I might write some more stuff to add!" she said cheerfully.  
"But..." Harry said, raising his hand. "Doesn't that mean the game is fixed?"  
"Yeah. So what?" she replied, innocent confusion in her eyes, which, Neville noticed, most likely not of his own decision, was a very good look for her.  
The Boy Who Lived shook his head in disbelief, letting her continue.   
"This round is a very special round," she continued, nodding her head in a matter-of-fact way. "You will be in a Harry Potter fanfic, but you will not play yourselves. Specially constructed androids will play you, as well as other characters. You three will be playing people in a self-insertion and friends fic."  
Horror came to the three faces.   
"No... Please... Not that! Self-insertion fics are the lowest of the low!" sobbed Malfoy.  
The Frog Demon hit with with a frying pan.  
"I happen to WRITE self-insertion fics, you slimy little git!"  
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" he wailed.  
"Now, then. Hermione, you're the star. You are a simple anime-style Japanese schoolgirl. To make things interesting, you're in love with Harry, a classmate. Draco, you're playing Hermione's best friend, also a girl. You all get sucked into Hogwarts by reading the book; it's kinda Fushigi Yuugi-ish.  
Drackie-poo, I've decided that I want you to be in love with either Harry or Hermione, if not both. Nobody necessarily has to end up with somebody from their own world, but there MUST be love interest! Any questions?"  
Neville raised his hand.  
"Yes, dear?"  
"D.. Do you want me to be in this?" he asked nervously.  
"Are you volunteering? Because you can have a part if you want one. You can even pick your own!"  
"Umm..." he looked from the contestants to Roxy several times.  
"Well, dear?"  
"I think I'll sit out again..."  
"That's OK, Neville!" the author said cheerfully, clapping him gently on the back. "Names, please."  
"Miharu," Hermione replied nervously.  
"Makoto," said Harry.  
"Kumo," Draco said distractedly, wondering if he could wear a cute school uniform.  
"Well, I suppose we should start now!"  
She snapped. The cast members were in costume, in the setting of a library, and she and her favorite guest were back in the Mystical Mirror Place.  
  
Kumo sat in a comfortable chair, a pink bubble popping as she neared the ending of a fantasy novel with scantily clad people on the front. Miharu was giggling quietly over a shoujo manga, and Makoto was reading a manga as well, only his was obviously shonen, judging by the well-endowed girl on the cover, leaning over so that horny teenage boys could see down her shirt.  
The 'third wheel' set down her novel, within the same minute as her two friends.   
"I'm bored. We need something more interesting to read," she whispered, adjusting her very short, blue, pleated skirt and matching sailor top.  
The star of this little story picked up a thick hardcover book labeled 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.'  
"Looks like a Japanese translation of a British children's book," she whispered back, a hint of interest in her voice.  
"Goody!" her crush exclaimed, earning a librarian's glare.  
She blushed, and opened it to the first page. "Come on, won't you read it with me?"  
Her friends shrugged and gathered around the heavy book. Silently, so as not to annoy the librarian, they all began to read.   
Before they reached the second paragraph, red and gold swirly lights flashed, making it impossible to see the room, and they all felt as though they were falling. Suddenly, with a slight thump, they all found themselves on a desk in a dungeon where many cauldrons were being attended by fourteen year olds in black robes.   
The entire room was staring at them, and Miharu could've sworn she heard somebody mention something called 'Dark Magic' and 'You-Know-Who.' The three turned around as they heard an unseen throat being cleared, to find a greasy-haired man looking back at them.  
"Might I ask what you are all doing here, and why you fell out of my ceiling?"  
"Umm... Hi... My name's Miharu. These are my associates, Makoto and Kumo."  
"D'you think they Apparated?" a red-haired boy with freckles whispered to a boy with black hair and glasses.  
"You can't Apparate or Disapparate on Hogwarts grounds!" a girl with bushy brown hair and rather large front teeth hissed at the boy who talked.  
"Five points from Gryffindor," the man, who seemed to be a teacher, said, clearly overhearing. "You know better than to talk.  
"Can you tell us where we are?" Kumo asked, trying to smile in a charming way.  
"What's your house? Ten points from it each for disrupting class."  
"House?" the trio asked at once, confused.  
"So you're not students. Potter, Weasley, Granger, escort them to the Headmaster's office."  
"He's probably hoping they'll be dark Wizards and they'll finish us off," said the boy with glasses.  
Kumo noticed that his eyes were bright green, and he had a lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead.  
"Now," insisted the teacher.  
The three students that had talked beckoned to the three on the desk, who slid off, messing up a few papers, and followed them out of the door and into a hallway. They closed the door and began to walk.  
"Who are you?" asked the girl, eyeing them nervously.  
"I'm Miharu Kusabi."  
"Makoto Yuuki."  
"Kumo Yume."  
"And how'd you get here?" the red-haired boy inquired.  
"Well," Makoto began, as if it were an everyday, casual manner. "We were reading a book called-"  
He was cut off by Kumo's elbow to his stomach. She leaned up to him.  
"If we say they're book characters, they'll think we're crazy and lock us up!" she hissed.  
"We were reading, and the next thing we knew, we were in the middle of your class!" Miharu concluded, laughing slightly, in a nervous way. "What are your names?"  
"Harry Potter."  
"Ron Weasley."  
"Hermione Granger."  
The girls from the other world noticed that Harry and Ron were eyeing their short skirts from the corners of their eyes.   
"So..." began the only boy of his group. "Where are we?"  
"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," said Potter, earning himself an elbow from Granger, who turned and whispered in his ear.  
Yume, having the best ears, could catch the word 'Muggles,' but nothing else.  
"Soo....." said one of the teenagers; it didn't matter who.  
"Soo....."  
"Yeah...."  
Before they knew it, they had arrived at a large gargoyle. Harry knocked politely on it, and an old man with long, silver hair appeared as the gargoyle moved out of the way.  
"Professor Dumbledore, these three fell out of the ceiling and onto Professor Snape's desk during Potions," said Ron, as if it were a normal occurrence.  
"Another three people from another world? Very well, come in."  
Extremely confused by all of it, the other world people stepped into his office as asked. Makoto, not being a particularly smart boy, was fascinated by all the pretty colors. Silvery contraptions littered the room, and there was a red and gold bird in the cage.  
"Dude..." he said, tugging on Miharu's sleeve and pointing. "It's Suzaku!"  
"Mako-kun, that's not Suzaku. That's a phoenix..." she explained, as if she were talking to a drug addict or a small child.  
But he didn't seem to hear her. He sprinted around the room, looking at each sparkling thing in turn, like a child in a candy shop.  
"Mako-kun, no! Those aren't toys!" Kumo reprimanded him, with the air of a stressed mother.  
"But they're pretty! I wanna touch them!" he pouted.  
The headmaster, however, seemed amused.   
"Sit down, sit down."  
Hoping to get a better look at Dumbledore's shiny hair, the boy of the group sat down as he was told, with a girl on either side of him.  
"Can you explain how you got here?" he asked, giving the fifteen year old boy a kindly smile.  
"We... fell." the star of the group said flatly.  
"Fell?"  
"We read then we fell!" the boy said, smiling as if proud he could form a sentence.  
"What he means to say is that we were in the library, reading, then there was a big flash of red and gold light. The next thing we new, a class was staring at us. It was like something out of a dream." the most intelligent of the trio said.  
"I put it good!" Yuuki insisted.  
"Yes, dear, you did." Kusabi said soothingly, patting his hand like a mother and glaring at Yume.  
"Mm hmm..." the old man said, thinking.  
"Have you figured it out yet?" wondered Miharu.  
"Yes, actually, I have. You are in a fanfic! Which one of you is the writer?"  
"You... You're used to stuff like this?" Kumo said incredulously.  
"We get it all the time!" he replied, smiling.  
"None of us is a writer..." said Makoto.  
"Very well. You can all be students. You'll be in Gryffindor. The three that escorted you are still outside. They'll take you to your common room to meet your Head of House. They're classes are just about over, anyway."  
"How do you know we're magical?" said the comparative genius, an eyebrow raised.  
"All fanfic writers are magical. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to be here!"  
"O... K..." the midlevel intelligence girl said, backing away slightly.  
"Now, off you go!"  
The idiot of the group led the way proudly.  
After being introduced to the rest of their house, an a few days of classes, Kumo was Head Girl. Miharu was on the Quidditch team, and Makoto had managed to fail every subject, make an even worse mess than Neville in Potions, and get the rest of the year's worth of detentions from Snape. One day, while relaxing in the Common Room...  
"Makoto's too stupid to be my boyfriend," Kumo announced all of a sudden, after trying to explain to him the sixteenth time that Unicorns are not made of ice cream.  
Harry looked at her hopefully.  
"You, on the other hand," she continued, eyeing him appraisingly. "Are intelligent. I say, Mako-kun, screw you. I give up. Care to go out with me sometime, Harry?"  
"YES!"  
"Yay! Mako-kun's all mine!" exclaimed Miharu, who, apparently, was rather shallow.  
"I smell like chicken!" Makoto announced proudly.  
  
"Lovely story!" Roxy said as she appeared, wiping her eye mockingly.  
"I think Potter is a lot like his character," drawled Malfoy.  
"Not as much as you are a girl," he replied.  
"Oh, you two are so cute together!" the author squealed.  
Only halfway under her control, they shrugged. With a bit of... 'guidance,' they kissed, making the Frog Demon squeal again with her joy.  
"So... Who's out?" Hermione asked uncertainly.  
"You, Herm."  
"Yay!"  


**The next round is the last one! Then the Omake, then the Conclusion!**  


  
  



	6. Round Five - Yaoi, fangirls, and couplin...

**I am the Frog Demon!  
**We're almost done! WAI!  
*  


Disclaimer: I own me, and that's about it. I don't think anyone would want to own me, as I'm loud during the night, I whine when I don't get what I want, and I eat a lot because I'm a growing girl. Please, don't sue me. And remember, I don't claim to be a good writer, I just like my own writing.   


*  


After snapping Hermione into the Mystical Mirror Place, Roxy turned to Harry and Draco, grinning in a way that made them both extremely nervous.  
"This round is the final round, as you both know. Not only is it the final round, it's a _very special_ round."  
Both boys nodded, too afraid to ask what she meant.  
"Now, instead of the usual, or even what we did in the last round, you two are playing yourselves."  
Both boys let out a relieved breath.  
"You two are going to be in a shonen ai fanfic, containing only you two."  
"Eep!" they both squeaked at once.  
"It has to be at least orange flavored, but I'd appreciate some lime. If you two are feeling... _frisky_, then it can even be lemon!"  
"But... Him... Me..." Harry stumbled over words.  
"No! Please! Noooo!" Draco whined.  
"Yes!" she said impatiently, snapping once.  
  
Harry sighed as he sat down on his bed. It was Christmas break, and he way the only Gryffindor staying. Ron's dad had received an ample severance package when he quit the ministry and they had enough money to take their entire family on a small trip. Hermione was visiting China with her parents.  
"I'll bring you both back souvenirs!" he could still recall her saying. "Oriental magic sounds so exciting!"  
After reading 'Flying with the Cannons' for the third time in one week, he gave up and walked down to the Great Hall, realizing it was almost time for the Christmas Feast. As he exited the portrait hole, he was greeted by the sight of Draco leaning against a wall as though waiting.  
"What the hell are you doing here?" Potter demanded.  
"I... Never mind..." Malfoy sounded disappointed as he turned to walk away.  
"No! Tell me!" he replied, in a slightly gentler tone.  
"I... I don't know who else to tell. Last night... I had a dream."  
"What was it about?" the dark-haired boy asked in mistrusting curiosity.  
"I... You were in it," the pale-haired boy whispered softly, looking away as though determined not to meet his eyes.  
"What... What did I do?" he was faltering slightly, surprised and confused by his rival's behavior.  
"We... well, we... er..." the Slytherin was searching for a good way to put things.  
"Spit it out," the Gryffindor said flatly.  
With the look on his face as though this all hurt him deeply, Draco simply said "We kissed."  
Harry doubled over slightly with laughter. "Very funny joke!"  
"It wasn't a joke!" the silver-haired boy said, his eyes closed and his fists clenched in a mixture of anger and frustration.  
He shook his head and ran from Hogwarts' celebrity. His green eyes simply stared after him in confusion, and he found himself blushing as he stared at his rival's backside.  
Malfoy entered the empty Slytherin Common Room and sat down in a chair in the corner. For how long, he didn't know, he thought bitter things, replaying his dream in his mind over and over again.   
He was snapped out of his reveries by a knock on the wall. Wiping away the tears he had only just found out were there, the opened the portrait hole, to find a pair of bright green eyes staring at him from behind glasses.  
"Oh. It's you," he said, the bitterness in his voice obvious.  
"You were... serious?" the confused boy his age asked.  
"Yes, I was!"  
"But... This isn't like you. You would've kept it to yourself, wouldn't you? Don't you hate me?"  
"I... don't."  
"What?"  
"I don't hate you!"  
Harry climbed in through the hole at this turn of the conversation.  
"You don't hate me? Then why...?"  
"You're so stupid! You can't even realize that I love you, can you?!" Draco screamed at him, before realizing what he had said. "I... I..."  
The two Seekers stared at each other for a moment.  
"I'm... sorry," the Slytherin whispered under his breath.  
"No... Don't be."  
He looked up at Harry. "What?"  
"I'm sorry. For being such a jerk."  
"It's my fault. Really..."  
The awkward silence between them was deafening. Neither knew what to do, so they sat down. An idea struck Harry so suddenly that he acted before he even thought about it. He leaned over and kissed the other boy, his eyes closed.  
Draco blinked, then closed his eyes and kissed back. After what seemed like a blissful eternity, they parted.  
"Now neither of us has to be sorry," said the dark-haired boy, smiling cheerfully.  
  
Roxy was hopping up and down, squealing, her fluffy bunny tail flouncing.   
"Ka! Wa! Ii! Kawaii! Adorable! Sugoi! Sweet! Cute! Wai!"   
"Know what," began Harry.  
"That wasn't..?" Draco looked a little hopeful.  
"So bad," the star finished, agreeing.  
The author's eyes began large and sparkly. Remus and Sirius appeared next to her.  
"Our little Harry is growing up!" Lupin sobbed into Black's arm.  
"KAWAIIIIIIIII!" the girl squealed again.  
"So," the green-eyed boy began.  
"Which one of us," continued his new friend.  
"Is out?"  
"Drackie-poo, I don't hate you anymore now, but you're out."  
"YAY!" Malfoy exclaimed.  
The Frog Demon continued to hop around excitedly, squealing.  


**This isn't over yet!**  


  



	7. Ending Omake - The Return of Ren!

**Harry Potter... OMAKE!  
**Kind of...  
Ok, maybe not. But it's weird!  
*  


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the original Harry Potter characters. Ren is my own creation, however. You must ask me before using him! Also, please don't sue me. I have very little money.  


*  


Harry, at least, was tired of Ren hugging him and everybody he knew (except Snape) from behind and whispering strange things into their ears. The strange, perverted third year boy had already glomped him alone two hundred sixty-eight times, which might have explained his less-than-pleased reaction when he reached two hundred sixty-nine.  
A pair of arms clasped around his waist and a boy's voice whispered in his ear: "Harry-kun, let's go play 'Hide the disgusting object in peoples' underwear.' "  
The fifth year celebrity shuddered at the thought and dropped the book he was trying to hide behind.   
"LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU SICK, TWISTED, DISGUSTING PERVERT!" he screamed, earning himself a glare from Madam Pince.  
The younger boy let go of his... 'friend' and backed away, looking hurt. "Why, Harry, I thought you liked me..."  
"I'm not like that! I don't appreciate you... you... groping me! In fact, I don't think anybody does! And stop sneaking up to my dormitory at night! It's creepy!"  
"You're not the only person to say that... Hermione tried to beat me to death with a heavy book."  
"Just leave everybody alone! And stop hanging around in the Gryffindor common room! you're a Slytherin! Go hang out with THEM!"  
"But Snape scares me..."  
"I don't care! Just go away!"  
Harry shut his eyes, blinking, and opened them to find Ren gone. He noticed a large, ominous shadow looming over him, so he turned around, to find a very angry Madam Pince.  
"Be quiet or you're banned from the library!"  
"Yes, ma'am!" he squeaked as he picked up a book and buried his face in it.  


*  


A few days later, Ren managed to get himself expelled for hugging Malfoy while Snape was nearby.  


**  
Owari!  
**

  
Moral of this odd story: Ren's a pervert, and even Malfoy deserves better that to be pestered by him. He's lucky he didn't upset Neville, or else I'd- _(This has been censored because there's too much violence in the world. Please forget this story, as it may give you nightmares.)_


	8. Conclusion - What a happy ending!

**I am the Frog Demon!  
**Ka ka ka ka ka! You knew it wouldn't end with the omake!  
*  


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and Co. So I'm not worth suing. I own only myself and Ren. Now, then, READ THE BLOODY STORY!  


*  


After the end of the games, you perhaps are wondering what happened to all of the characters? Well, here goes!  
  
Roxy, at the age of fifteen, achieved her lifelong dream of writing angry poetry in lipstick on the windows of her room in the Mental Ward of St. Mungo's. "Coincidentally," her cell was located right next to the Longbottom's. (She bribed the orderlies.) When she was twenty, an orderly stole all of her songs and became a famous rock star.  
Harry and Draco started dating officially in their sixth year. Surprisingly, everyone in the school took it really well. They were even voted cutest couple.   
Hermione and Ron got married shortly after school and bought a house. Hermione became a writer and Ron somehow managed to invent an Animagi detector, with his wife's help, of course.  
Neville grew up to be an extremely handsome man, and became a model, He still visited his parents, and even Roxy.  
Voldemort went back to living as Tom Riddle. He also regularly visited Roxy in St. Mungo's, much to the dismay of Neville. After figuring out which orderly stole Roxy's lyrics, he hunted him down and killed him, making it look like a drug overdose.  
Remus Lupin and Sirius Black went into the business of yaoi porn. They became millionaires, and bought a huge mansion and loads of peacocks because they felt like it.  
Fred and George Weasley opened up an extremely successful joke shop, but never married.  
Ginny Weasley opened a pet shop where she sold every kind of pet except for rabbits. And snakes.  
Fleur was run over by a rampaging rhino when she walked in on a Gundam Wing photo shoot by mistake while on vacation. She survived, and became a tragic hero type person.  
Everybody else lived happily yet uneventfully ever after.  


**This is the end!**


End file.
